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16 September 2008 @ 04:44 pm
Super Junior: Worst Case Scenarios, And How To Fail At Avoiding Them  
Title: Worst Case Scenarios, And How To Fail At Avoiding Them
Author: papered
Fandom: Super Junior M
Characters/Pairings: Henry
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1622
Summary: "Super Junior M is going to do a North American concert next month," management informed them one day.
Notes: My first SJ-related crackfic (or maybe my crackfic ever, now that I think about it), which actually took surprisingly long. Props to waveless for letting me bounce ideas off her head. :)

"Super Junior M is going to do a North American concert next month," management informed them one day.

Zhou Mi looked mildly surprised, but stayed silent. Siwon’s eyebrows did an elaborate dance that would’ve been comical if Henry hadn’t been too busy quietly dying on his chair.

"Why North America?" Han Geng asked, but Donghae’s delighted cheering drowns him out. ("North America? Can we go to Disneyland?")

"Toronto," their manager said decisively.

Henry squeaked, and probably would’ve launched himself at Ryeowook if Kyuhyun hadn’t grabbed him around the waist.

He calls his friends back in Toronto that night to tell them the news.

Maria lets out a squeal. "I’ll invite everyone," she tells him, then proceeds to name every single person he knows, plus about ninety people he doesn’t know (because it sounds like all of Toronto has become Super Junior fans while he was gone).

Jackson is less impressed. "Dude, what happened to your clothing? That disco ball shirt was seriously gay. And is the rest of the band coming with you? What about that guy who’s hanging off you all the time? He looks like a girl. You should tell him to keep his hands to himself."

Henry informs him that no, he doesn’t choose his own outfits, but the stylists would figure something out (he’s not too concerned about this, because they’re going to North America after all, and surely SM Entertainment realizes that fashion in Toronto is vastly different from fashion in China and would make adjustments accordingly) before Donghae hijacks the phone from him. "Hello hyuuuung!" he calls loudly into the voicepiece. "我是李东海!~"

Henry hurriedly snatches the phone back and pushes Donghae in the general direction of a smirking Kyuhyun, all the while trying to say keep him away from me with his eyes. He doesn’t think he quite manages. That, or Kyuhyun’s just being a smirking, unhelpful jerk. (For some reason, he suspects it’s the latter.)

"What the hell was that," Jackson asks.

"Um," Henry manages, before giving up and slamming the phone down on the receiver.

His mother gushes about him coming back. His father promises to drive the whole extended family to the concert.

Henry goes to bed that night thinking that finally, things are looking up. Unfortunately, his happiness just isn’t meant to last.

"Oh my god," said Henry the next morning as he stared at the new outfits their stylists had custom-made for their next concert. "Oh my freaking god."

"Is something wrong, Henry?" Han Geng gave him a concerned look.

"That." He flailed his arm wildly in the general direction of the blinding silver, because surely this monstrosity doesn’t require any explanation. Anyone with eyes should be able to see what’s wrong.

"It looks fine to me!" Ryeowook said brightly.

"I think your outfit looks particularly nice, Henry," Zhou Mi said in Chinese, and there’s a laughing glint in his eye that Henry doesn’t particularly like. "The stylists have outdone themselves, haven’t they?"

Donghae hit them both over the head and pointed to the most outrageous outfit of all. "I call that one!"

"Nono, that one’s for Kyuhyun. See? It has his name on the tag."

Henry turned desperately to Siwon, who shrugged, looking vaguely confused. "It’s not as bad as some of the Super Junior outfits we’ve had. You’ll look fine."

Henry concludes that the entire world must be blind.

"What do you guys think of the outfits?" One of the stylists asked the next day.

Henry opened his mouth to inform her of exactly what he thought of them, but Donghae cut him off with a bright grin. "I like them! But can I have Kyuhyun’s outfit instead? It’ll match my hair!" He gestured wildly in the general direction of said outfit, his arm knocking Henry in the jaw in the process.

Ryeowook chimed in that he likes the silver, and Siwon asked if they could make the neckline of his top a little higher. Zhou Mi claimed that his pants are a tad too short, and everyone proceeded to cut everyone else off. Henry tried to say something, multiple times, but someone always drowned him out.

By the time the stylist leaves the room ten minutes later, he’s still standing there, catching flies with his mouth.

Henry cursed Donghae for his big mouth, cursed SM Entertainment for everything that had ever gone wrong with his life, and then cursed Donghae again for good measure before shutting his mouth.

"I look like a strangled duck," Henry informs Han Geng after trying on his outfit for the first time.

"A strangled duck with cheeks," Zhou Mi adds helpfully.

Henry is going to kill Zhou Mi for being helpful one of these days.

The flight to Toronto is long and agonizing. Siwon and Ryeowook are asking him to teach them English, which shouldn’t be a hardship. Except there’s Donghae, who’s sitting next to him (draped over him, more like), who proceeds to misread and mispronounce and generally completely mangle every phrase in the travel book he’s looking through. Loudly.

He finally manages to fall asleep to a pounding headache six hours later, only to be woken up by the sound of shuffling noises.

He looks up in time to see Donghae turn his traveling bag upside down on the seat.

The boy gave him a wide smile. "What’s this, Henry?" he asked cheerfully, waving around the porn magazine Henry had painstakingly hidden inside the secret flap at the very bottom of his luggage.

Ryeowook clapped his hands around Henry’s eyes with a horrified squeak. "Don’t look, Henry!"

"Donghae, put that down right now," Han Geng yelled, and made a desperate grab for the magazine.

Zhou Mi, who’d left to use the washroom, slid back into his seat and took in the chaos. "What’s going on?"

"HENRY HAS A PORN MAGAZINE!" Donghae announced to the world. A mother walking by gave them a scathing look, and pulled her children closer to her.

Kyuhyun smirked and deliberately turned to Zhou Mi. "You owe me money, hyung."

"Oh my god," Han Geng moaned in Chinese, and buried his face in Siwon’s arm, who gave the ceiling a scandalized look and proceeded to avoid everyone’s eyes.

Henry kind of wished that the ground would swallow him up.

The plane landed many hours later, with everyone (surprisingly) still in one piece. They were in the middle of unpacking at their hotel when there was a call from their manager. Han Geng put his cell on speaker.

"Make sure you all up the fanservice this time," they’re told. "We don’t know when you’ll come to Toronto next – we need to give the North American fans more to talk about."

"What does he mean, more to talk about?" Henry asked a little desperately, suddenly apprehensive.

Ryeowook gave him a reassuring smile. "Just more of the usual. Don’t worry about it too much – just follow our lead."

Henry isn’t sure how they can do "more" without actually having sex on the stage.

"Does that mean I get to kiss Henry?" Donghae exclaimed from under the table.

Henry resisted the urge to scream.

"On-stage in five minutes!" someone called.

"I think I see your family down there, Henry!" Ryeowook said, peeking around the curtains into the audience. "And your friends too." He paused, a little uncertain. "I think they’re your friends, anyway – they look like the people in those pictures you showed me."

Henry doesn’t respond. His only plan to get out of this so far involves either claiming a life-threatening disease or breaking his own leg, and neither sound particularly doable right now. Unfortunately, time is quickly running out.

"Two minutes!"

Henry stood up. "I have to use the washroom!" he exclaimed, and tried to bolt.

"Someone stop him!" Han Geng ordered, and Henry barely stopped himself from cursing out loud when Siwon (and his infuriatingly long legs) caught up with him before he’d even made it halfway to the door.

At this point, Donghae helpfully threw himself into a flying tackle, knocked them both over, and landed on a heap on top of them.

Kyu looked far too amused. "Clever move, hyung." Donghae didn’t even have the decency to blush.

And then the curtains opened.

Henry wondered when he could get out of here so that he could find a cliff to throw himself off of.

Donghae hadn’t even tried to get off them when the curtains had gone up. Which had resulted in Siwon and Zhou Mi trying to pull him off and Han Geng quietly dying in the middle of the stage.

The performance itself went smoothly, but their outfits were a nightmare. And the fanservice. Just when he thought he’d been dealing fairly well with it in Asia, this had to happen. He’d apparently deeply underestimated how far his band members could go – Henry had lost count of how many times he’d been kissed and groped on-stage. (His grandmother had been in the audience.) And the worst part was, no one seemed even slightly embarrassed.

His friends were never going to let him live this down.

Backstage, everyone is celebrating another successful performance. "You should go meet your friends, Henry!" Siwon tells him. "Your family is here too, right?"

Henry heroically holds in his groan.

"I am traumatized for life," Jackson informs him later in a Deeply Amused Voice that means he’s internally laughing his butt off.

Henry can’t meet anyone’s eyes for the rest of their stay in Toronto.

"Super Junior M is going to do a North American concert next month," management informs them one day, two years later.

Everyone looks up in bewilderment when Henry lets out a loud scream, throws himself off the furniture, and runs shrieking out of the room.

+ Feedback would be greatly appreciated.
+ Like what you've read? Please friend!
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Super Junior M - 迷
(Deleted comment)
没有你日子很黑白: [SJ] (not so) innocent whisperspapered on September 17th, 2008 02:55 am (UTC)
:D :D :D!

カイタンmagicmelodyx on September 17th, 2008 12:09 am (UTC)
I don't know what it is about people writing Henry in these situations that are horrible for him but hilarious for me, but I'm absolutely loving it. I also love your Donghae and your Geng. Hell, I love all of them. ♥

That, or Kyuhyun’s just being a smirking, unhelpful jerk. (For some reason, he suspects it’s the latter.)

I can totally see Kyuhyun like this, and that makes me smile.

Henry opened his mouth to inform her of exactly what he thought of them, but Donghae cut him off with a bright grin. "I like them! But can I have Kyuhyun’s outfit instead? It’ll match my hair!"

Does that mean it'll be feral, as his hair has been of late? Because if so I'm both frightened and intrigued.

There's more I would quote, but I don't want this to turn into a wall-o-text, so I shall refrain. Suffice it to say that it was awesome and I really enjoyed reading it!
没有你日子很黑白: [SJ] pressed ties and dress shirtspapered on September 17th, 2008 02:56 am (UTC)
I'm glad you enjoyed! :) I have too much fun putting Henry in uncomfortable situations like this. ♥
you are so beautiful.: mochi mochi mochi~waveless on September 17th, 2008 12:42 am (UTC)

That's my favourite part. ♥
没有你日子很黑白: [SJ] how to make perfect heartspapered on September 17th, 2008 02:56 am (UTC)

safe cats!freefallskyline on September 17th, 2008 01:05 am (UTC)
oh my god this is so so so cute.
sdfsdusd characterization. DONGHAE♥
没有你日子很黑白: [SJ] I like your turtlepapered on September 17th, 2008 02:57 am (UTC)
Thank you for reading! :)
Pauline: one more timeacaida on September 17th, 2008 01:09 am (UTC)
(because it sounds like all of Toronto has become Super Junior fans while he was gone)

没有你日子很黑白: [SJ] winking city lightspapered on September 17th, 2008 02:58 am (UTC)
... and on top of that, it seems like everyone in Toronto either knew, or knows someone who knew Henry Lau. SMALL WORLD. :)

Thank you for reading!
(Deleted comment)
没有你日子很黑白: [SJ] how to sing your heart outpapered on September 17th, 2008 03:00 am (UTC)
It was definitely interesting trying to characterize each individual (especially Donghae - he's always so much fun to write), so I'm glad you enjoyed! ♥

You're very welcome to friend, although just so you know, you'll need to friend this community rather than my personal journal to keep up with updates. :) I post all of my fic here, so there isn't actually anything on my main journal.
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - papered on September 18th, 2008 07:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Elleyeaelleyea on September 17th, 2008 02:13 am (UTC)
Oh my gosh! That was amazing! So funny as well.
没有你日子很黑白: [SJ] food competition!papered on September 17th, 2008 03:00 am (UTC)
Thank you! <3
hiromireverokameorih on September 17th, 2008 02:15 am (UTC)
I don't even know what more to point out.. poor Henry, Donghae always managing to embarrass him hahaha~
Well, at least they weren't performing on Rokkugo or even Balloons outfits, right? 8D
LOL they totally made a deal to make Henry's life as miserable as possible *dies* XD
Henry isn’t sure how they can do "more" without actually having sex on the stage. actually there are many quotable lines, but I'll refrain myself.

mem-ed! XD <333
没有你日子很黑白: [SJ] black square framespapered on September 17th, 2008 03:01 am (UTC)
Putting Henry in uncomfortable situations is always too much fun. :) Thanks for reading!
Shii 시: hannienyappyx3 on September 17th, 2008 02:24 am (UTC)
You broke my lungs from excessive amounts of laughter. I'll be sending you the medical bill. :|
没有你日子很黑白: [SJ] pressed ties and dress shirtspapered on September 18th, 2008 07:04 pm (UTC)
Haha, sorry about that! XD (♥!)
telly telly bo bellylusimeles on September 17th, 2008 02:32 am (UTC)
LOLOLOLOLOLOL. I think this is the best crack!fic you've ever written. Heck, it's subtle. And funny. And freaking hilarious :)
没有你日子很黑白: [SJ] WARNING: HOT BOY PILEpapered on September 17th, 2008 03:02 am (UTC)
夜神海kai_yukashi on September 17th, 2008 02:49 am (UTC)
AHHAHAHAHHAHAHHA OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG AHHAHAHAHAHHAHA omg i'm so in love, I swear I'm in love with ALL of those "Henry's friend/family/Toronto" involved fics. Because it's soooooo crack and Henry's reaction~~ AHHAHAHAHHAHAHA
没有你日子很黑白: [SJ] stupid unforgettable smilespapered on September 17th, 2008 03:04 am (UTC)
Some of my favourite fics are Henry-centric fics, so I thought I'd give this a try. I'm glad you thought it worked out! Thank you!
COOL&SEOULpanpipe on September 17th, 2008 02:50 am (UTC)
Cute! I love Donghae :')
没有你日子很黑白: [SJ] winking city lightspapered on September 17th, 2008 03:08 am (UTC)
:D I'm glad you enjoyed!

keysmashing my way into history!: wise words from mithrachuchama on September 17th, 2008 03:02 am (UTC)
So I approve of just about everything you incorporated in this fic.
没有你日子很黑白: [Psych] duopapered on September 18th, 2008 07:04 pm (UTC)
♥! Haha, I'm glad to hear that. Thanks for reading!
srslyduneetsrslyduneet on September 17th, 2008 03:22 am (UTC)

henry ah, come back to toronada!<3
没有你日子很黑白: [HP] d/hr; ilupapered on September 18th, 2008 07:05 pm (UTC)
Go right ahead! :) I'm glad you enjoyed!
{ howling at the autumn moon  }+{ s h i g u r e }hyperballad on September 17th, 2008 03:40 am (UTC)
This was really cute! Donghae cracked my shit up in this.
没有你日子很黑白: [SJ] (not so) innocent whisperspapered on September 18th, 2008 07:06 pm (UTC)
♥! Thank you for reading!